The Debilitating Anxiety Epsiode: A First-Hand Account of Moving through with Nature & Awareness
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I share this with a purpose…
I write this on the other side of an intense, debilitating anxiety episode that lasted two weeks. I decided to share my experience with the intention of being seen, helping to destigmatize and normalize the experience of anxiety, and offering insight about what anxiety can mean and a blueprint for connecting with nature during a crisis. In this post, you’ll find a firsthand account of my experience as well as the ways in which the cosmos, mountains, and blue jays supported and guided me back home to myself.
If you are someone who experiences intense anxiety, I especially hope you see yourself in my words and find a sense of connection through them. Have you ever felt so seen by someone else’s story that it brought you comfort? That’s what I’m hoping to offer here.
Mount Rainier from South Bessemer
You Could Say My Definition of Anxiety is “Unconventional”
First, let’s define anxiety and what it does —and doesn’t— mean to me personally. From my perspective, yes, it can be uncomfortable, but I see it as helpful. I believe anxiety is the felt experience when something we don’t know that we don’t know is trying to surface from the subconscious, creating a perceived threat to our sense of reality and/or identity. This may be a very different definition than you know. It’s certainly not in the DSM-V! Viewing anxiety through this lens feels more empowering and hopeful to me than the clinical definition I’ve been stamped with. Yes, I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder among other things. However, I don’t identify with labels at this point in my life because they don’t feel personally relevant now. If attaching to a label helps you in some way, gives you access to the support you need, or makes you feel empowered, do it! No label judgment here. Do what feels right for you.
When I’m experiencing anxiety to the degree of debilitation, I not only feel all the extreme physical and emotional symptoms—such as tightness, the feeling of suffocation, pain, insomnia, and a sense that my stomach and heart are going to burst open and spew forth some sort of alien creature—but I also question E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I question whether or not people actually care about me, my life choices, my worth, my athleticism, the organization of my closet, how my body looks, my worth, whether or not I’m on the “right path,” my ability as a healer and practitioner, whether I’m a good friend, my worth, my finances, whether my cat loves me, if I’m a narcissist, if I’m codependent, my worth, whether I actually paid the bills or imagined it, how I might have accidentally made someone feel bad based on the wording of a text message I sent, my worth, my intellect, my competence as an adult, my intuition, whether anyone actually gives a crap about anything I say or do, my worth…I think you get the idea. This relentless questioning compounds the emotional experience and creates a treacherous neural feedback loop. Does any of this hit home for you?
When I say “debilitating,” I should clarify that I can still function—albeit minimally. I use the word “debilitating” only to describe my internal felt experience, not as a comparative measure on some universal anxiety scale. Thanks to the many ways my child self adapted to survive, I’m a surprisingly functional anxious person—I can still work and take care of myself, for the most part. While I would NEVER condone or normalize the abuse of my past or anyone else’s, I do appreciate the gifts bestowed upon me. One of those gifts is the ability to appear functional in society even amidst an internal firestorm, and for that, I’m grateful. Of course, not everyone who struggles with anxiety can do the same. If that’s you, please remember that functioning “normally” during an intense anxiety episode is NOT NECESSARY, nor is it advisable or safe! Also, keep in mind that the flip side of being able to function with intense anxiety is that no one else knows, which can amplify the sense of aloneness in an already isolating experience.
So what happened?
In a nutshell, I experienced a massive trigger at a subconscious level that I now understand, but didn’t at the time. My body went into full-blown fight/flight/freeze/fawn (4F) as my sympathetic nervous system took over. I left my body and dissociated. I froze until I could get a grip on my inner observer long enough to recognize what was happening and “watch” it. From this vantage point, I began to lean on nature to support me. Then I was able to understand why it was happening and how it was for my highest good in the big picture. The key in all of this was the multiple times I shifted my perspective. Healing is essentially a shift in perspective.
By the way, our inner observer is the part of us that can detach from a felt experience in order to watch it as if we’re seeing it happen to someone else. It’s a handy little function of the human brain involving the coordination of three different regions simultaneously. Accessing our inner observer requires a degree of regulation because of the parts of the brain involved. In true 4F mode, we don’t have access to these parts because energy is diverted to the brain areas necessary to keep us alive. Once awareness kicks in and you realize you’re triggered, access to these parts of the brain is restored and your inner observer can take over. Isn’t it fascinating how our brains work to protect us, even when it feels distressing?
I want to break down this anxiety experience into phases and share how my connection with nature came in to support me in each one.
The Initial “Freeze”
I froze for a couple of days when the anxiety hit me because I didn’t know what was happening. I had all the classic physical symptoms of intense anxiety (minus full-blown panic attacks). During this time, I couldn’t access my inner observer because I was in a shocked overwhelm state. Thankfully, a dear friend intuitively reached out and took the edge off the feeling of aloneness, but I still didn’t feel a sense of control.
What picked me up out of my intense freeze was the same thing that lifted me from a chronic freeze state several years ago: the gentle hand of the cosmos. I happened to look up at the night sky and was immediately swept away with awe and wonder as I realized I could see Venus and Saturn side-by-side, as well as Jupiter and Mars in other parts of the sky. Suddenly, the feelings of fear, isolation, and hopelessness subsided long enough for me to shift out of freeze mode and rescue myself.
The Comfort of the Cosmos
I totally immersed myself in the night sky for a few minutes, crying tears of relief and finding my way back into my body. The vastness and beauty of the cosmos has always given me a sense of comfort. There is so much cosmic energy out there experiencing life with me, with all of us. This energy may even be aware of us, and is certainly connected to us in some way (google quantum physics ;).
Since childhood, the cosmos has given me the gift of companionship whenever I feel alone. The moon, the stars, and the magnificent photographs of distant places from telescopes were like lifelines for my sense of curiosity. Being curious saved me from the depths of my difficult reality back then, and the cosmos were—and still are—a rich source of that curiosity.
I like the feeling of smallness and insignificance I experience when I look at the night sky. I like knowing that my problems are not that big, and that my emotions are energy movement just like the solar wind is energy movement on a different scale. I enjoy observing the beauty and listening to the messages of the celestial beings like planets and stars. The cosmos have an extraordinary way of gently reminding us that we’re a tiny miracle amidst an incomprehensibly vast known and unknown Universe. What a powerful perspective shift.
Riding the Waves of Anxious Energy
Armed with the support of the cosmos, I was able to step into a more evolved part of my brain and do something I’ve never done in an intense anxiety episode before: FULLY FEEL IT. That means I didn’t immediately scroll, starve, drink, run, dissociate, escape to the woods, blame someone else, blame myself, or blame the vague malefactor of “my trauma,” nor did I utilize any other numbing tactics I have at the ready to make the pain go away. I just felt it while observing it for as long as I could at a time, caring for myself and mindfully managing symptoms when I needed to. I journaled feverishly, meditated, engaged in parts work, went into nature with intention, allowed myself to rest, and reached out for help. (By the way, as a recovering “avoidantly-attached human with CPTSD” who fears closeness with other humans more than literally anything else in this Universe, that last one was HUGE growth for me.) I allowed the wisdom of the anxiety to walk with me for as long as it needed, in order to teach me. It was not easy, but my determination to grow through this outweighed my desire to escape it.
As I felt the anxiety, many messages and insights surfaced. Long-lost parts of myself, begging for integration, came forth, and my self-compassion and compassion for others grew ever more radiant. But it didn’t feel like some magical awakening experience at the time. Honestly, it totally sucked. It was awful and describing the experience fully is beyond the scope of this post. Feeling the physical and emotional symptoms, releasing the repressed pain, and receiving insight was incredibly difficult. Still, it was much better than suffering in shame and confusion.
Why bother to feel if it’s so hard? Why not “cope” instead?
I could write books about the importance of feelings but I’ll summarize in simple terms here: Feeling our emotions instead of repressing or denying them is the gold standard when it comes to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. Feelings are absolutely vital to our existence, as well as the gateway to clarity, healing, and growth. Unfortunately, we’re not taught the value of feeling or how to do it as children, but we can—and should—learn as adults if we want to stop hitting the same walls and repeating the same patterns.
My capacity to feel has grown over time, fueled by a desire to heal, deepen my connections, and understand myself better. In the beginning, I could be with a feeling for only a few seconds or minutes before I had to go for a walk to stay regulated. Over time and with the implementation of a daily meditation practice, feeling has become much easier to sustain without overwhelm. If you’re interested in growing your capacity to feel, but aren’t sure how to get started, check out this post for a few tips. If you need more support with this, as most of us do, please reach out. I’m here for you. I have a lot of personal experience and experience guiding others to feel their own emotions safely. There is no shame in not knowing how to safely engage with big feelings no matter your age!
Leaning on Nature for Support, Answers, and a Fresh Perspective
Within two days of fully feeling the anxiety, I knew it was time to turn to nature for further support, wisdom, and healing. I said goodbye to Tushar and headed off to climb South Bessemer for a different view. I knew what I needed more than anything was to remind myself that I can ride the waves of life and overcome challenges. Mountains are my preferred place to shift my perspective and prove my grit and strength to myself. Standing on a summit and seeing the vast splendor of Earth’s landscape open up before my eyes fills me with a sense of serenity, protection, and calm no matter what I’m going through in life. As I climbed to the summit, I went through many different emotions and physical sensations, yet felt supported in every way—even through the most difficult moments. Hiking moves a ton of energy, including emotional energy. Bawling my eyes out, burning with hot fury, or softening into a state of loving adoration are all on the docket.
The Summit Push: A Steadfast Treasure Trove of Resilience and Life Lessons
I’ve learned more about my true self and life in summit pushes than all of my formal education years and relationships combined! The final stretch to the summit was a bit terrifying due to the steep drop I was teetering above with each step (only an issue in snow, totally not scary the rest of the year). Thankfully the snow was in great shape and I had traction. The mountain showed me I could trust her; life showed me I could trust it. the significance of this moment, remembering I can trust, cannot be overstated.
One daunting step at a time, I climbed the steep angle up to the summit knowing the mountain would not let me fall. This was an incredible feeling to take in. I felt cradled and safe in the physical challenge of the climb and, more importantly, in the emotional challenges I was experiencing at that moment in life. I allowed this feeling of being safely held in a scary situation to seep into my being and wrap my inner little girl with the kind of support she needed but never received during painful the emotional experiences that peppered my childhood.
Dramatically Weird Action = Dramatically Liberating Result
Upon summiting, I was immediately swept away to a place of profound joy and gratitude, though I was still aware of the anxiety undercurrent. There are no words to describe the relief standing on top of a mountain on a sunny day provided my nervous system. On a complete whim, I decided to make this perspective shift even more dramatic (and, honestly, ridiculous). I pulled out my sit pad, packed some snow underneath it, and did a headstand, anchoring my view on the peaks to the east under the watchful eye of Mount Rainier.
It was a strange and liberating experience. Somehow, this odd power move signaled to my mind that I’m in control of my perspective even if my body is experiencing intense anxiety. It also gave me a good laugh at how silly it must have looked, especially in microspikes.
After receiving many messages from the mountains around me on the summit, I felt more empowered. The anxiety wasn’t gone—far from it—but I felt like I could handle it. I was reminded of the many difficult things I’ve already overcome and focused on recalling many of them during my descent. From this mindset, I was able to move further into the lessons I needed to learn in order to move forward in life. The summit was the zenith of both my hiking and anxiety experiences. You could say it was all downhill from there in both regards.
What Does It All Mean Now?
The understandings I’ve gained through fully experiencing anxiety cannot be understated. They are humbling and empowering, painful and soothing, terrifying and exciting. Looking back on this experience, I can see that what brought all of this on was an intention I set at the beginning of the year—to be more authentic. This set into motion a huge clearing, which I experienced in the form of anxiety. I’m also convinced that the reason I was so committed to actually feeling the experience of this anxious episode was because of my intention. How can I be authentic if I can’t even feel my own feelings? How can I show up authentically for others if I won’t show up authentically for myself?
My higher self knew this anxiety experience was the most efficient route to closing the gap between denial and authenticity. Of course, I’m not done becoming more authentic. This was just the first, and perhaps most voluminous, layer to peel back in my journey toward a truer version of myself. But wait…there’s more, and it might be the piece of greatest interest to you.
Blue Jay as a Guide Toward Authenticity & Lasting Change
This discussion of my recent anxiety experience wouldn’t be complete without sharing how Blue Jay has shown up as a partner at this interesting moment in my life.
Since the beginning of the year, blue jay has appeared as a guide—no surprise, since I declared “authenticity” as my intention for the year. Blue jays have much to offer about authenticity and will be the subject of an upcoming post.
Here, I want to share how their wisdom helped connect the dots between insights surfacing from my shadow and my commitment to be more authentic.
Blue Jay called me out for not communicating truthfully with myself and others…
One key aspect of blue jays for me lately is their association with the throat chakra, the energy center responsible for our authentic self-expression, creative offerings to the world, and communicating in alignment with our personal truth. They’re also fiercely territorial about their homes and food sources, highlighting the importance of setting boundaries. The two biggest areas in my life where I lacked authenticity—and was blind to it—involved sharing my true self through my creative offerings and communicating healthy boundaries around my energy to protect my inner resources and serve without depleting myself.
Anxiety functioned as the catalyst for closing the gap between my authentic self and the version of me that was actually showing up in the world. It forced me to hit pause and dive into my shadow to witness the parts of myself in conflict with that shift. Blue jays helped me interpret what I was seeing in my shadow, offering the medicine I needed to treat long-held childhood wounds and the wisdom I needed to forge the route forward. They’ve appeared consistently each day, reminding me to pause and ask myself whether I’m living in or out of alignment, and sharing bite-sized insights that keep me moving in an authentic direction.
Blue jay has been invaluable in helping me recognize when I need to set a boundary, own my previous lack of boundaries instead of blaming others, and choose boundaries that honor both my needs and the needs of others. Blue jay is also guiding me to dedicate time for creative work, like writing this post and creating videos to help others connect with nature to receive greater support and meaning in life–something I didn’t realize was even important to me before this anxiety episode. This is all new territory for me, and I’m learning and expanding a little each day. It’s daunting and overwhelming at times to implement big changes in how I’m showing up in the world, but the anxiety hasn’t taken over my life again because of this steady relationship with blue jay—one I can lean on whenever I need support.
By the way, if you’re ever curious about why a particular nature being might be showing up for you, there are plenty of great resources online. I’m also here as a resource for interpreting, deepening, and supporting your connections with nature beings, if you ever want something more personal than a Google search can provide. ;)
Final Thought
It would be a nice fantasy to think that I won’t have to endure debilitating anxiety again in the future, but I know that’s simply not true. However, this episode did change my relationship to anxiety forever. I saw inside it. I found the purpose and I received the awakening I needed on the other side of it. I’m no longer afraid of the experience, or afraid of it lasting forever. I saw the value in allowing myself to fully feel the extreme discomfort as I leaned on nature to support me. Deeper authenticity, growth, and trust are my souvenirs.
There will be many more layers of old patterns, pains, and beliefs to shed. Healing is a commitment, not a destination. It’s a way of life, not a cure. Healing doesn’t stop pain or end suffering. It changes our relationship to pain and suffering so that we can consciously choose how to live. It unravels big knots from the past and frees us from the influence of subconscious patterns, one at a time. I don’t need to be “cured.” I need to be present.
If you’ve seen yourself in any part of this story, I hope you’ll remember that you’re never truly alone, no matter how intense or isolating the experience might feel. We’re all here on this earth, with this earth, together. We’re all doing the best we can, one breath, one summit, one starry sky, one blue jay encounter at a time. And that’s enough.
Thank you for sharing this space with me. If you have any questions or feel curious about how I might be able to support you, I'd love to connect with you.
