Help! I don’t know how to feel my feelings.
First of all, you’re not alone! Most of us have very little experience allowing our feelings, nor do we understand the purpose of our emotions. We’re not taught how to feel in our modern society; we’re only taught to think. There’s nothing wrong with thinking, but it’s only one half of our inner wisdom.
The sad truth is that we’re usually punished, shamed, or gaslit out of our authentic feelings/emotions if they’re not “positive” enough (or in some cases “negative” enough) instead of being met with compassion and unconditional support. We’re taught to think our way out of our emotions, which is a form of self-gaslighting. And we’re promised that thinking positive thoughts is the answer to fixing our “negative” feelings. This leads to a lifetime of emptiness, unhealed pain we project on others, and thinking there’s something wrong with us if we can’t “get over it” when we’re feeling uncomfortable emotions.
Let’s get something straight before I share some tips to help you learn to feel: there is no such thing as a positive or negative emotion. Emotions are energy moving through the body at different frequencies, that’s all. We label these frequencies with feeling words such as sad, happy, shy, etc, so that we can communicate about them with others and ourselves. The story your mind attaches to the feeling is what drives the positive or negative charge, not the quality of the emotion itself. So please, put the idea that your emotions can be negative or positive to rest and give yourself permission to use your full human spectrum.
The 2 Most Important Reasons to Feel
Feeling your emotions is absolutely critical to navigating life. Emotions come from our higher selves. They are a compass, a guide to what will and will not serve our conscious and subconscious goals. We need them to navigate life situations, relationships, decisions, and our own shadows. In fact, one of the biggest reasons we feel lost in life is that we suppress, deny, reject, or invalidate our own feelings. We don’t acknowledge them or we label them as “bad” and reject them. This goes for both positive and negative feeling states depending on how you were socialized in your family and culture of origin. If we want to truly know anything, we have to be able to access our full range of emotions.
Allowing your emotions to flow through your physical body prevents them from getting stuck somewhere. Our bodies are incredible at following our mind’s commands. If our mind says “nope, I can’t feel this feeling because it’s bad/scary/etc,” the body will store the energy it was trying to release instead of allowing it to flow. The problem here is obvious. Over time, stored emotional energy builds up in the tissues and causes physical disease. Every physical disease started energetically first, and suppressing emotion is the main culprit. Period.
So how do I start feeling my feelings?
While we could go into much more depth about why acknowledging and allowing our emotional experiences is critical, for the sake of this post, let’s just assume you know that feeling your feelings is important and you want to learn to do it.
Here are a few tips to get you started:
Prepare to sit with the feeling in a safe, quiet space.
You don’t have to fully feel any strong emotion from start to finish all at once, nor would I recommend this when you’re starting out.
Feel strong emotions incrementally, starting small.
Consider starting with an easier emotion. For example, if fear is easier for you to feel than happiness (yes, this is true for more people than you think!), start with fear. If sadness is easier to feel than anger, start with sadness. And so forth…
Stay focused on the sensations in your body, not what your mind says about them. Feeling the energy move through your body is the goal, not labeling what that energy represents to you.
Stay in the feeling without letting the mind tell stories about what the feeling means. Assigning meaning to feelings will bring you out of the experience and may perpetuate or create anxiety. Keep refocusing the mind on the feeling experience.
If you can, it helps to feel strong emotions in the presence of a tree, a pet, a comfort object, or even a trustworthy person.
Never venture into a state of complete dysregulation. Keep healthy distractions, mindful coping mechanisms, and other grounding aids at the ready.
Low-impact movement–walking, yoga, even gentle bouncing in place to release energy–is a great way to regulate, especially when you’re first learning to feel big emotions.
Take it slow. Be compassionate with yourself above all else, and never force yourself to do something you’re not ready for.
I’m Here to Support You (and I know how challenging this is to learn!)
If you’re ready to start sitting with and releasing bigger feelings but you need more support, I’m here for you. It’s taken me a looooong time to learn to feel my feelings. I started from an extreme dissociated state many years ago and continue to get better at allowing my feelings to be present with me each day. In fact, I recently felt my way through a full-blown, 2-week anxiety attack and received priceless peace, closure, and insight that changed my life as a result. Check out this blog post if you’re interested in seeing what’s possible for you, too.
I know how daunting and painful it is to learn to feel your feelings, but I also know the incredible gifts waiting for us when we start to feel. Our minds tell us that once a feeling starts, it might never end. This isn’t true, but it’s often enough to stop us. Learning the skill of experiencing emotions is invaluable. Your life will be forever changed for the better as insight, awareness, and self compassion grow with each experience. I’ve helped many others learn to gradually tune into their bodies and feel their emotions in a safe and loving space, and I’d be honored to work with you.
